My Brain Bubbles..

tired body.. tired mind..

skater21 — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 08:15:53 +0000

I am tired today.. Physically my body hurts. Every possible muscle is aching. Never knew i had this many muscles. Its been a while since i last wrote, and since my last post, i have been training somewhat for this challenge that was ahead of me. To make the first Namibian Inline Hockey Team. This weekend was our first training camp. And it mustve been one of the hardest , physicall and mentally most challenging weekends i have had in my life. It so difficult to keep on going when your body doesnt want to go anymore. To mentally overcome that pain. To become better than the pain.. to look past it.. and still give your best. There is still some hard work ahead. Alot of hard work to get to the next milestone, which is on the 22nd of December. There will be alot of days where my body feel as tired is it does at the moment. Where my mind.. doesnt feel strong enough to want to push my body to go on. But.. i want this. I want to show everyone.. that i can get this.. I want nothing more than to be part of this team. To stand there on the rink, singing the national anthem.. and play for my country. To show the world that we are a force to be reckoned with.

I really want this. I want to show myself and everybody else.. that i can do it. I dont want to be last.. i want to be first.. in everything. I will train hard.. i will eat pain.. i will do this…

Its strange the moment one feel tired.. how things you normally handle in your stride becomes quite an obstacle. I guess i am just irritated. And miss gums is my biggest irritation. I dont even know why people think she is attractive. When she smiles.. all you can see is pick gums. And not even that.. i think its because what i see of her..is not beauty. What i see inside her is not beauty. Its dark and slimey and ugly. I am still irritated by her insecurity. As it interferes with my life.. I cant see my best friend because she doesnt allow it. Then i am also irritated because you dont stand up and tell her that you will see me… no matter what. That you would rather risk loosing everything else.. than to have a fight with her. What kind of power does she have over you… This whole situation is messed up. And last night in my dreams.. she was like the grim reaper.. brining death.. death over my friendship with you. I guess i am just tired..

You…

skater21 — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 10:09:19 +0000

I wish you could see my heart.. Then again, maybe you can. I realised something this week.. That someone can be yours forever in your dreams.. I know that its not the reflection of the true situation , but when you meet someone.. that has touched your life in such a way that you have touched mine.. i dont want to let go of the dream. You kissed me last night, in my dream.. and my stomach turned upside down with butteflies.. You are still the only one that can do that.. have that power.. that effect.. Your intense stare that you used to give me.. looking into my eyes.. The way you touched me. Made me feel ontop of the world that someone as beautiful as you could even love me. I dont want to forget those memories.. I know life has moved on.. and that you will never love me in that way.. But if you could.. life wouldve been so different for you and I. I wouldve made you happy… made you smile.. and taken care of you. Treat you how you deserve to be treated and love you, the way you should be loved. Pure, committed.. how love should be. But… you are with her now. Someone that is breaking you down into the ground. Someone that breaks down all the hard work we have put in. That drains your energy.. your zest for life.. you… That is killing your soul inside. I have accepted things.. But its you.. that will always be in my dreams.. You that i will always Love.. as you had and will always have.. my heart. I will love you..forever..

frustration

skater21 — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 13:56:45 +0000

I feel frustrated today. Work is not giving me a mental challenge and due to that my mind is drifting to somewhere out there.. Where i am feeling more inspired and motivated to do than what i am currently doing. I also had confirmation on why i havent heard from my friend this weekend. Turns out that she wanted to avoid conflict with her girlfriend and therefore didnt want to sms nor write, as she was being watched like a hawk. I am actually angry at her for allowing it.. because Karan is using manipulation to get what she wants from my friend. Which is to cut everyone out of my friends life as she is to insecure to allow my friend to have friends.. It bothers me. Alot. As she is interfering with something where she has no business. And also she turns out to be is a insecure manipulative biatch… That i cants stand.. But i guess she gets her way..and that..is what frustrates me. Purely because my friend doesnt even love her…

A Few Thoughts…

skater21 — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 07:45:36 +0000

Its monday morning…. *Yawn*. Now usually i dont have a problem with monday mornings, if i was able to get some rest over the weekend. However this weekend past quicker than the blink of the eye. Saturday i worked most of the day and sunday, yes.. i have to confess.. i didnt do much on Sunday. Yet, i feel you need at least 2 days of rest after a really busy week. So today, is the start of my training and loosing weight. As i can only enroll at the gym tomorrow, today i will do a few weights and just watch what i eat. Mondays are usually a very long day for me and by the time i get home, i am usually not in the mood for anything but channel surfing. Ahh.. and its Grey’s Anatomy tonight.. which is one of my favourite shows. So as i am sitting here.. driving my desk, my mind is drifting to next week. Our family is going on a 5 day river canoe trip, and i am really excited about getting away for abit..

I didnt sleep well last night. My mind was with my best friend. And i am wondering about my friendship with her. Wonder why i do all the effort that i do, when it feels like its being looked over. I dont get a reply to my text messages nor emails.. which is i know due to her girlfriend not wanting her to email or sms me. Still i feel she should put her foot down instead of trying to please this woman the whole time in order to avoid confrontation. I think this woman knows that and is manipulating the situation to please her and get my friend to do what she wants. Its a really bad situation. And as i mentioned in previous posts… I really dont like this woman. I just feel sad about the whole situation and i guess i know that for me to totally move on.. i need to cut this friend out of my life.. completely. But that thought seems to much for me. To much to bear not having her in my life. But then again, i am also not happy being a weekday 8 -5 friend and after that, i am nothing more. That doesnt work for me. I also know that its not necessary to speak to someone every day, but i really needed to talk to her last night.. yet.. she didnt even reply to an sms when i clearly stated that i needed to talk to her.. Which means that what i feel doesnt matter. as long as her girlfriend is happy.. The whole situation leaves me with so much sadness… as the last 2 years of knowing her.. has been very painfull. I guess its time to move on.. and focus on things in my life at the moment that is here. That i can achieve and put my energy in that.. Instead of wasting it on something like this…

People that dont fight back..

skater21 — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 11:14:57 +0000

I am at the moment having a conversation with one of my best friends. Her girlfriend.. irritates the crap out of me. Not because my friend used to be my ex.. more that this girlfriend of hers is completely.. without backbone. She is so filled with fear about so many things.. that she is just completely standing still. I believe in people that believe in themselves. People that fight back to make things better, no matter how bad the circumstances are. I guess it comes down to survival instinct. The question why some people make it in life or a death threatening situation and while others just doesnt. And until you reach deep inside you and find that spirit, you will not get anywhere. I guess i am irritated by her, because i cannot understand why my friend is with her. No, i take that back.. I do know why they are together, but in the end.. it seems like you loose so much of yourself.. that it becomes like soul suicide. You kill yourself off.. slowly day by day. Because you dont want to face your fear. But you loose so much more. I dont like her. Nothing in me.. likes her. She has caused me alot of pain, frustration and is completely just focussed around herself. In the end, i dont think she cares about anyone but her self. Her fears about so many things, is stopping me to be friends with someone that i would always want in my life.. She is limiting when and how i can see my best friend. How can one base a friendship on that? What started of as dislike in this person.. is mutating into something that is way stronger than dislike.. and i guess bordering on hate. I dont hate her. I just intensely dislike her. if you want to get somewhere in life… you need to fight back.. and you need to do so with all that you have… Otherwise you will become a bundle of fear filled fluff that gets blown away into nothingness..

Its the first day of the rest of your life…

skater21 — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 08:24:03 +0000

Sometimes a song gets stuck in your head… You want to go to sleep at night and its there, playing like a stuck record over and over again. My stuck record this week is Dear Mr President, by Pink. More spesifically the following lyrics:

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Makes me glad i am not a president. It made me think what type of a struggle it is to make everyone in your life happy. More so, if you are president and you have to keep millions happy, surely there will be some people that will be unhappy with you. I even struggle to do it in my life, with a close circle of friends and acquaintances. I guess it comes down to finding a middle way and accepting that no matter what, you cannot always do what pleases the other person. You have to live your life in the best possible way and either people go with you, or they stay behind.

But, this is not really what this post is about. This past week, a big challenge has been put infront of me. And during the last few days, i really did some soul searching to see if i have what it takes to face this challenge. I play inline hockey and have been playing for the past 7 years. However, prior to this year, i had a 3 year hockey break, and during that time gained alot of weight and became unfit. Even though i have played this year, i am still overweight and still unfit. Now the challenge is this – Next year during July, the women world inline hockey champs takes place in Dusseldorf Germany. And they have decided that for the first time ever a Namibian Ladies team is going to be send to represent our country in the world champs. Now, for me to qualify i need to do the following over the next 4 months:

1: Loose 30kg of weight and 2: Become top fit by training 6 days out of the week. 3: STOP SMOKING and DRINKING BEER.

I cant wait to start training next week. I have read earlier this week on a very inspiring website that you have to set a date that you want to start with someone and build anticipation towards that.

The following -from the Zen Habits Website: www.zenhabits.net

The 4 Simple Steps to start exercise and keep the habit.
Keep it simple. Here are the 4 simple steps to start the exercise habit (and keep it going). I should note that you can use these 4 steps to start any habit.

Set one easy, specific, measurable goal. Don’t — DO NOT — set a difficult goal. Set one that is super, super easy. Five minutes of exercise a day. You can do that. Work your way to 10 minutes after a month. Then go to 15 after 2 months. You can see what I mean: make it easy to start with, so you can build your habit, then gradually increase. By specific, I mean what activity are you going to do, at what time of day, and where? Don’t just say “exercise” or “I’m going to walk”. You have to set a time and place. Make it an appointment you can’t miss. By measurable, I mean that you should be able to say, definitely, whether you hit or miss your goal today. Examples: run for 10 minutes. Walk 1/2 a mile. Do 3 sets of 5 pushups. Each of those has a number that you can shoot for.
Log it daily. This is the key habit. If you can log your workout, you will start to see your progress, and it will motivate you to keep going. And you have to make it a habit to log it right away. Don’t put it off, and say you’ll do it before you go to bed. As soon as you’re done working out, log it. No exceptions. And don’t make the log complicated — that will only make you resist doing the log. Just the date, time, and what you did.
Report to others. I think this is key. You can do it on your blog, on an online forum, with your spouse, or friends or family, or a workout partner, or a coach, or a group, or a class. However you set it up, make it part of the process that you have to report your daily workout to other people. It could be using an online log, or on a forum, or through email, or the phone, or just by telling your co-workers what you did this morning. But be sure that they know your goal, and that you are going to report to them, and be sure that they are expecting it every day.
Add motivation as needed. The first three steps might be enough for you to get the habit going. But if not, don’t just give up. If you miss two consecutive workouts, you need to look at why, and add a new motivation. Rewards, more public pressure, inspiration, whatever it takes. Read this article for more on this. You can add one additional motivator, and then see if it works. If you miss two more consecutive workouts at any time, add another motivator. And so on, until the exercise habit sticks.

So.. i have put out my last sigarette about an hour ago.. and strange that when something is not there.. how much more you want it… And this is my way to share my experience with others..

This blog is about my thoughts and feelings during the next 4 months to firstly achieve my goal of becoming part of the team.

I will keep you updated..